oh river.

“don’t worry ‘bout me.

i’ll get along

forget about me-

be happy my love

let’s say that our little show

is over and so the story ends-

why not call it a day the sensible way

and still be friends?

look out for yourself

should be the rule

give your heart and your love

to whomever you love

don’t be a fool-

darling, why should we cling

to some faded thing

that used to be?

if you can forget

don’t worry ‘bout me.”

-nana pat

(found in old journal of my grandmother from college. seemed fitting.)

i feel excited at the moment. about life maybe. or about where i am. or who i am coming into. or maybe the jet lag. and my mind thinking that its really 9.30 instead of three hours later. im probably really tired. and dont know it. but the thought of turning the lights off and sleeping makes me antsy. right now. give me five minutes and i will feel totally different.

i havent been writing. because i finally went traveling. back to a familiar place. with very familiar voices. i love the west coast. specifically the pacific northwest. bay area. i felt i wanted to stay. but nothing new there. i feel that everytime. but this could be one of the last times i visit with my dad there. hes moving. and though i am happy about the move closer to us. i am sad that he will not be there the next time i am.

it was an amazing trip. total understatement.

flawless. maybe thats a better word for it.

i got to know you better. in a space that has not been our usual space. atleast not in our reality. maybe in our heads. but it was special. and this recommittment to each other and knowing the lives we live is fragile to me. and i will hold up my end of the deal. knuckle tattoo promise.

found new inspiration. renewed knowings. and deeper connections.

id say a success.

learning the beauty of vulnerability. the lesson of lowering the shield. raising the masks.

its a beautiful time. an unknown and quite blinded time.

but im ready.

and saying yes. to it all.

its chilly.

im on the porch. drinking a beer. berlin is sitting on my ankles. keeping me warm. up until my waist. i like this weather. distracts me from summer. from the heat that has been sitting in the soles of my shoes. i had a really good weekend. and i feel i am investing in people and things that are investing back. feels satisfying. and full. atleast the past few days have.

i hosted her marigold in my studio on friday night. matt and kevin rumley. it was so lovely. and i couldnt have asked for more really. besides maybe a fan (anna). reminded me of the hot house shows in richmond. not being able to fall down from heat because it was so closely packed in. it was kind of like that. a true summer show. and i was proud of it. and so proud of those boys.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/121248203/her-marigold-is-making-a-new-album

saturday i went camping. with elliot, family and friends. for his birthday. i love waking up in the woods. went for a long walk with four of the eight dogs. it was nice to be the only human in the pack. i felt safe. and trusted. elliot had a really good time. and that is the most important piece.

sinday was thao and mirah.

fucking girl rock show. and i loved every second of it. including the company.

im tired right now. having a lot of trouble sounding interesting or engaging at all. late night on the road. early morning in the cafe. i get on a plane in two days. and i cant wait. i want to see joey. and the beach. it cant come soon enough.

this is such a weird time for me. once again, a time of endless transitions it seems. i dont know where to put my feet. or what to say in words.

all i know is that i dont understand.

and i am becoming okay with that.

the dog will not stop itching. the phone will not stop ringing. her mind will not slow. the heat rises. internally. and out the window. she doesnt know how to relieve this. she doesnt know how to say no. doesnt know how to stop. or start maybe. she is watching her life fill up. over her knees. touching her thighs. to her mouth. she can blow bubbles at the surface level. it will cover her. it will drown her. its probably already started.

disappointment. irritation.

i dont even know 28-down.

and i cant wait to sit on an airplane.

when one door closes…

got really good news today. news to make me sit and think. think about the possibilities of this future project. news that reassures me that i am making right decisions. for myself.

this could be good.

!!