the light hasn’t shown from under the blinds in weeks. its been sunny but not sight of it inside her. in this place. where the blankets are warmth. and the bodies are cold.
“i promise i will shine again. i wont be like this much longer.” the sound of her words are a whisper. and they catch my attention enough for my eye lids to crack open. the cat is resting on the crest of my knees. his weight is the thing i trust in this moment. telling me that this time is real. that she is talking. talking to herself quietly. but her whisper loud enough for me to here. and engage in. i hear her. i know the simple words are true. her legs move closer to mine. my smaller hand rests in the palm of her hand. this is real too.
“i am lonely in your darkness.” truth is spoken. between two women. i know the permanence of this statement. she feels the permanence of this statement. i do not intend to hurt her feelings. i do not intend to heavy her. anymore than she already is. i want to seem like a child wanting their best friend. wanting to climb trees again and catch minnows in the creek. splash in the mud and laugh as we run home before dark. emerging from the woods with new scratches. ones our mothers will kiss clean. i want to feel pathetic. i want to say that i miss her.
“i feel impatient for your illumination.” i just keep laying in on. thick as thieves. but we are. thick. years thick beneath this surface of moss. and thieves yes. i feel myself sinking closer to her body. wanting her to not cry. wanting her to know the innocence of the words filling the quiet space under the quilt. my feet are rubbing themselves against each other. this comforts me in times of discomfort. times of cold truths. a little bit of warmth in my socks can carry me down the road of cold truths.
i turn my head to face hers. she looks at me.
no secrets pass.
i come to kiss her. closer our mouths become. she leans over me. her knobby knees indenting the mattress beneath this moment. her necklace grazes my collarbone.
“the grand illumination will come when the blinds are ready to reveal signs of tomorrow.”
im here. in the empty studio that shares the floor with the full studios. its warmer in here. and less things. actually nothing. except the old desk we used to sit at. it has a new home on its side. thats sad. its such a nice desk. maybe we should set it up as the communal no distraction desk. one that is equipped and accessible to other add kids in here.
i have started another project. housewares. and want to start another. asheville. paris and i are full steam these days. what else can we do. what else can we spend our time doing. for me i need to quit my job to keep up. and thats not happening at the moment. so im overwhelmed. overworked. and fucking tired.
maybe starting another blog at another source will motivate me to continue to work on this new source i am creating. this new source of inspiration. community. and healing. if i keep a blog strictly for that. for those things. maybe i will work harder at them. let’s test the waters of this natural resource.